Thoughts

Ramblings....  If reading about my thoughts sounds too depressing, please just go on to the next blog.  I'm sharing my feelings.  Thats all.   These last few years have been a struggle for my husband and I.  One employer choose to not pay its employees (we've not ever recouped those funds despite pursuing them through legal channels) another employer went into bankruptcy owing salaries, the courts paid the attorneys instead...then  16 months of no employment.  Hard times,  but hopefully things will begin to ease now that he has a permanent job.  It is a wicked economy, made very difficult for his field of expertise, which is construction.   Anyway.......that on top of some other losses this last year  has put me into a strange funk, aka as depression, not unlike many other folks I know.  I wanted to chat about some of my feelings here.

 I coordinated the Hearts and Hands for Sendai project which resulted in 20 quilts being donated to Hideko Ishida so that she could utilize them for fund raising purposes for the children affected by the tsunami and earth quake along with showing the worldwide friendship we have with her through crazy quilting. An article was even written up on this project in the Grand Junction, CO newspaper thanks to Janet Popish sending a tip!!  I had thought that this was a wonderful testament to cq and friendship......now I don't know.

Why the funk, you ask?  (probably not....but I am rambling on my own blog.....)  :)  I have been accused of  mishandling funds within ICQA, which is an unincorporated non-profit, created by myself with the hopes that it would some day rival AQS.  This puts the "business" in a privately held status.  It  has no public reporting responisibilities/obligations and is considered a private company as  no non-profit paperwork has been generated.  It is my understanding that it needs to have income to move forward with filings?  I don't know.   Anyway,back to the story,  these accusations have hurt more deeply than anyone can know and friendships have been sadly affected. Yes, I understand that i'm not the only one hurting so I don't need reminding. I read that one CQI member was so upset that she thought she would give up cq altogether. That would have been a HUGE loss as she is very talented and it hurt my heart to think of her pain caused by all this. All that said.....back to the story again....no fund raising, specifically for ICQA has occurred and the funds that were in the account were obtained through small silent auctions of donated items and were designated as scholarship monies for members of CQI to attend the annual retreat. $1600 had accumulated. The bank acxount itself,was also used as a clearing house to offer group buys for lace, charms, silk ribbon, etc. for members of CQI.   I had received no complaints whatsoever.   I put together the annual retreat for 2011 in Estes Park, CO.    It was the best yet as far as facility, organization, etc. and I was unable to participate as much as planned due to last minute family obligations. Apparently folks were unhappy with something at the retreat and felt overcharged or something. I have no clue.  The cost for the retreat for five days, was $540.00 for five nights and four days. We had two teachers, one of national repute, a HUGE facility and food a plenty that I had prepared in advance (the remaining food was taken home by some CQI members).  Three attendees were paid for by the scholarship fund.  Based on the figures stated above, anyone can do the math.  Once everyone got home, accusations began.  I was completely blind sided.   I was not ever consulted privately and had NO idea anything was wrong.  Everything happened in a very public way and I have felt completely humiliated.  My instincts have been to crawl back into myself and go into protection mode.  I had a childhood that has colored my responses as an adult and this is my way of coping. Its not the best way to handle things maybe....but it is the only way I know how to cope.  Anyway.....I have been completely quiet as there is nothing more to say.  I am mourning the losses of friends and much more.   I have done nothing wrong except give my heart and soul to a group that has ripped me apart.  The group experienced damage as well, I am well aware of that.  Nothing happens in this world that doesn't have an effect on something else.  The bank account was closed after forwarding the remaining funds comprised of left over retreat monies and  donations  that came in with the H & H blocks in the amount of $1500.00 to Hideko Ishida for her use for the tsunami victims. There are no other monies.  I've wondered, privately, if folks for some odd reason, think there is money enough that i've taken a trip to Tahaiti or something!!  LOL!!  I'm trying to lighten things up by saying this even though I don't feel it in my heart of hearts. I feel nothing but sadness right now.  I am not an accountant.  I cannot produce certified, financial documents even if there was income to produce one for. I cannot personally afford an accountant to conjure up some records to satisfy people. I have given a basic "accounting" of balances to no avail. It was considered a joke, but is all I am able to do.   Some folks continue to spread vitriol.  All I can ask, is why wasn't I questioned privately??  Why?  What has been gained from all of this besides hurt feelings?  I wrote this only to clarify my position.  I do not wish to stir up bad feelings and certainly do not want a continuance of vitriolic accusations.  I would like to simply disappear from the face of the earth.....yes.....that is the depression talking. This too shall pass.  Until next time....... maybe.....maybe not.